178/365 This is How You Can Help

The other day someone asked me, and I won't go into too many details, but she asked me, "What can I do to help?"

People ask this all the danged time. Someone dies: what can I do? Someone is sick, someone has had a baby, someone is struggling financially or with depression or anxiety. And sometimes the person at the heart of the matter (the new mother, the grieving widow, etc) is asked the question.

They never know how to answer. They are knee deep in the mire.

Other times, someone nearby is asked the question. The sister of the new widow, the cousin who pitches in to help with the woman with breast cancer. And so forth. This was more the position I was in. And oftentimes these people, because they are doing it all, or because they have gotten used to not having help, or because they don't even realize that things are truly getting out of control, say "Oh I don't know...." and let the conversation drift to other topics.

But this time I turned to the person and said exactly what I wanted her to do. I gave a specific suggestion that was well within her ability and frankly, one of her strengths. And I know she will do it.

It's a kind of reverse hospitality, frankly (I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately). Letting someone help you, or someone close to you, is a kind of gift. Not like the mom I was carpooling with several years ago who always failed to hold up her end of the bargain and then would ask me, "what can I do to make up for it? Can I get you a gift certificate to somewhere? Or maybe I can pick up on alternate Thursdays during a full moon?" which actually made my life harder than if I just picked up her kid every Monday morning and forgot about tit-for-tat.

What I mean is really letting go of a small thing (or large thing) that you know the other person can help you with. I think it takes a deep understanding of the other person and of your own needs--I'm not patting myself on the back here, trust me, it was one of those moments where I stood outside myself and tapped myself on the shoulder and said, umm, you need to take her up on this. But saying "yes, there is something," increases the connection between people and within families or communities. We shouldn't try to do it all.