323/365 Immaculate Conception

Today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.

I was in a foul mood. I was all knotted up about Maeve's doctor's appointment tomorrow and I had a bad cold settling into my chest. I was troubled by many things. So I went to church.

Walking in, I tossed the week 3 banner on the pew. Jack laughed, just enough to notice. I realized I was being inexcusably huffy, and I couldn't help myself, I had to turn and smile. I hadn't meant to be such a drama queen. I put the altar cloth I finally ironed away in the sacristy, said hello to Miguel, and went to sit.

The Mary altar was decorated for the feast, and will remain so through Our Lady of Guadalupe, which always makes me think of my sister Bevin's murdered friend Jesse, who had a place in his heart for Guadalupe. I think about his mother, her grief mixed with a brazen need for attention, that had repulsed me at first ("how can she act this way when her son has been murdered?") and had later caused me to be even more sympathetic. How terrible a thing to have to live with. We all grieve in our own ways.

Mass began. Dolores was the cantor; I wished Astrid was there for more than one reason. I was having a hard time engaging. My voice faltered due to the cough. At one point as we sat down for the first reading, I almost took out my phone to check my email. But I caught myself. Don't be ridiculous.

The homily was about saying yes. Yes. I listened but it still didn't bring my mood around. We recited the creed and I wondered if I'd ever get that version out of my head when the language changes came. And got irritated as we said "God from God, Light from Light, True God from True God." Wondered what heresy we were defending our faith from. Thought about the song "Our God is an Awesome God" and how it implied that not only were there other gods, but that also our God might not be the only awesome one. I remember laughing about that in high school. Where everything was black and white and simple all over.

Somewhere, though, maybe around the Our Father, my heart started to thaw. Receiving communion, looking into Fr. Miguel's blue eyes the same kind of blue as Leo's, how had I not noticed that before? and returning to my seat to sing the song and relax my jawline.

I hung the week 3 banner after mass was over. Jack helped me get it straight, which means not straight, because it isn't but it matches week two that way. It almost looks like I'm doing it on purpose. Talked a minute with Miguel and Jack about the banners. About my week. About my cold (Miguel is getting over a cold as well). And I walked out into the cold. Happy again.